@ Sound, Lyrics and Video by Sultan Mowski a.k.a. Christoph Soltmannowski
Every family has one, that’s what I’ve been told,
A man who finds a quarter in your ear when you’re six years old.
He wears a tie with little ducks to every wedding and wake,
I’ve searched our family tree twice now, there must be some mistake.
We have no funny uncle.
I’ve checked through every branch.
There’s Uncle Gerald, in insurance,
And Uncle Frank, who has a ranch.
Nobody pulls a finger,
Nobody does a voice.
We have no funny uncle,
And I don’t think it was a choice.
The Hendersons have Larry, he can juggle in a canoe,
The Millers have a Dennis who can whistle through a shoe.
I made a spreadsheet of the town, I shaded it in green,
We’re the only empty row, statistically obscene.
We have no funny uncle.
I’ve checked through every branch.
There’s Uncle Gerald, in insurance,
And Uncle Frank, who has a ranch.
Nobody pulls a finger,
Nobody does a voice.
We have no funny uncle,
And I don’t think it was a choice.
At Christmas all the kids sit down around one empty chair,
I hear them laughing in the den, but no one’s ever there.
Somebody does the turkey bit, wearing the turkey hat,
I’m always in that room, it’s strange, I don’t remember that.
My niece said, “Do the penguin.”
I said, “Which penguin.”
She said, “Your penguin.”
I said, “I don’t have a penguin.”
Then I did the penguin.
It was very good.
I caught my own reflection in the hallway glass last night,
A tie with little ducks on it, a whoopee cushion, tucked in tight.
A quarter in my pocket, warm, like it had been inside an ear,
Eleven Christmases I searched, and he was standing here.
We have a funny uncle.
I found him, it took a while.
He’s wearing my reading glasses,
And he’s doing my smile.
He’s the one who pulls the finger,
He’s the one who does the voice.
We have a funny uncle.
I don’t think it was a choice.
I’ll be taking no questions.
…And no, I won’t do the penguin.
Okay. One time.